Genre: YA Paranormal
Word Count: 75,500
Thank you for all of your comments. After reading them and viewing other pitches I have revised mine. Please let me know what you think.
Joel has been deceived. Rachel’s arrogance makes her blind. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean people aren’t out to get you.
I'd like to see more of the stakes...
ReplyDeleteBrandi Kosiner
I agree with Brandileigh2003. It's a very compelling pitch, but maybe add something about how or what is out to get them. Perhaps something like,
ReplyDelete"Joel? Deceived. Rachel? Blinded by arrogance. (instert stake) proves that sometimes you're not paranoid." - 104 characters, so plenty of wiggle room. But I am very intrugied to see what is going on with the two characters.
I like it, but its a bit vague and I get more of a mystery feel than a paranormal feel. I also think you should mention the boarding school, since that seems important. Maybe something like "Joel has been deceived, Rachel's arrogance makes her blind, but at their new private school..." and then mention what makes the school so unusual.
ReplyDeleteit might take me awhile to write out my comment (i am being watched) i would like some sort of setting/context of where or when this story takes place. i think cobra was right the first two sentences can be chopped down to give you wiggle room to add more. keep going you're on the right track
ReplyDeletedouglas esper
Who is paranoid- Rachel or Joel? It's hard to tell who the protag/antag is. Good luck with the contest!
ReplyDeleteI like the third sentence and the voice you have is strong. But I'd like to know what exactly is out to get them. Great pitch!
ReplyDeletei agree with the others. but I like the play on the phrase.
ReplyDeleteWell, that's a wee bit disturbing. I'm wondering how Joel was deceived--if that's the inciting incident, and if so, how does it bring about the fulfillment of the story?
ReplyDeleteIt's a bit vauge. I really like the blurb on the side bar. Try to combine the school into the pitch. It seems important
ReplyDeleteIt's a great hook, but doesn't show me the stakes.
ReplyDeleteI do like this, but I'm with the others, a little vague. I would add something about the stakes or why she was deceived? You're on the right track though, I like the last line ;o)
ReplyDeleteWould totally love to help you with this,but it's too vague for me to figure out. What is the threat? Why is Rachel involved if it's a school for boys and why does it matter that she's blind to whatever is happening there? Is Joel going to the school? How are the two connected to the school? I think if we know more we could help you out with it.
ReplyDeleteBy tying Rachel and Joel to the school, and giving us a hint of what's going on, I think the clarity will help us understand the stakes.
Good luck with revising this! :D
Ilike the direction you are going with this. A bit more info to make it clear who is who and it's got good possibilities. The subtle humor works well. Good luck :)
ReplyDelete